Understanding Attachment
Why We Attach
On a large-scale, attachment is a mechanism that is crucial to the survival of the human race. It is a system that is primitive and inborn and involves biological and neurological processes. Human babies are born with built-in skills and characteristics designed to make sure that a caregiver is motivated to take care of them, leading to their protection and survival. ie. babbling, seeking closeness, and maintaining eye contact (and why they are so darn cute!)
On a more micro-level scale, attachment exists at the core of all human relationships. It shapes the way we connect, trust, and the way that we come to understand ourselves, in relation to others and to the world. It influences how we regulate emotions, the goals we set for ourselves and the core beliefs that we establish and maintain through our lifespan.
What is Attachment?
Attachment refers to the bond between a child and their primary caregivers. It triggers connections on emotional, cognitive, and biological levels. It is designed to prompt consistent, responsive, and attuned interactions, and it is strengthened by these same interactions, creating a deeper foundation of trust and security. It is an innate, survival-based behavior that leads us to adapt to our environmental conditions, by both the child and the caregiver.
When children experience a caregiver who is reliably present, emotionally available, and sensitive to their needs, they develop a secure attachment. This provides them with a safe base from which to explore the world, regulate emotions, and develop healthy relationships throughout life. However, childhood experiences of their parents and the care they received, do not seal our fate—there is always room for growth and change.
The Importance of Secure Attachment
A secure attachment supports emotional regulation, self-worth, and resilience. Children who experience secure attachment are more likely to:
Develop confidence in themselves and their relationships
Feel comfortable seeking support when distressed
Manage emotions effectively
Exhibit empathy and kindness toward others
Secure attachment is not about perfect parenting—it’s about being present, responsive, and willing to repair when misunderstandings occur.
It is through repetition that we learn best. Repetitive exchanges between an infant and their parent, result in hard-wired neural pathways that reinforce patterns of connection and trust.
Common Attachment Patterns
While secure attachment is the ideal foundation for emotional well-being, different attachment styles can emerge depending on early experiences. These include:
Secure Attachment: The child feels safe, worthy of love, and confident in their caregiver’s responsiveness.
Avoidant Attachment: The child may learn to minimize emotional needs due to inconsistent or dismissive caregiving. In adulthood, they may push away connections, prioritize independence, and feel uncomfortable with vulnerability.
Anxious Attachment: The child is more likely to be preoccupied with seeking reassurance, fearing abandonment. In adulthood, this can manifest as people-pleasing, dependency on others, and fear of rejection.
Disorganized Attachment: The child experiences confusion and fear in the relationship due to unpredictable or frightening caregiving. This can lead to unresolved trauma, mistrust in the world, fear of loss and “push-pull” approaches to relationships.
Observations of these patterns can help parents understand the needs of their child and for adult children to understand themselves.
Building Blocks for Secure Attachment
Parents and caregivers can nurture secure attachment through small but meaningful interactions:
Being Attuned: Noticing and responding to a child’s emotional cues builds trust and security.
Consistency: Reliable and predictable caregiving fosters a sense of safety.
Emotional Validation: Acknowledging a child’s feelings helps them feel seen and understood.
Playfulness: Engaging in playful interactions deepens connection and joy in the relationship.
Repairing Ruptures: No relationship between two humans flows without some disruptions. When disconnection happens, repairing and reconnecting strengthens trust and helps to teach children that miscommunications occur in life and can be addressed and repaired.
Attachment and Adult Children
Attachment plays a significant role in most of the skills and characteristics that we carry into our adulthood. Our sense of security, our ability to regulate and express our emotions, and how well we communicate to help us get what we need, are all determined in part through attachment.
For parents, attachment is relevant on two-folds. It is important to understand our attachment style as we relate to our children and put into motion the transmission of attachment style to the next generation.
It is also valuable to understand how and why our attachment style came to be. Entering parenthood presents a special opportunity to gain clarity around the style of attachment that we possess. This reflection can be timely when we have gained space from our childhood and are no longer dependent on our parents for our survival.
Parenthood often activates our own attachment patterns, impacting the way we interact with our children. Studies have shown that the attachment style that pregnant women have prior to giving birth predicts their infant’s attachment style at one year of age. This highlights the value of reflecting on our own attachment histories as we embark on parenthood. The period of pregnancy and postpartum, particularly, offers a unique opportunity to engage in this self-reflection, as brain plasticity is heightened during this time.
Reflecting on our own childhood experiences from a place of curiosity and compassion can help us understand what we are carrying from our parents into our relationships with our children and to break cycles of non-nurturance and insecure attachment.
Earned Security: Breaking Cycles of Non-Nurturance
Attachment styles are automatic and often unconscious, but they are not fixed. Processes such as self-reflection, therapy, and establishing secure relationships in adulthood, can lead to what is known as earned security—developing a secure attachment despite adversity in early life. Research has shown that adults who can process and integrate their childhood experiences, acknowledging both positive and negative aspects with neutrality and insight, are more likely to be able shift away from insecure attachment and form secure attachments with their own children.
Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Through research done in the field of attachment theory, four different attachment styles have been identified in adults.
Secure - Associated with higher levels of self-esteem, confidence, resilience, optimism and greater ability to manage stress and regulate emotions. They are comfortable with needing others and reaching out accordingly. They have an established sense of self-worth; feel that they are deserving of love and to have their needs met.
Preoccupied/Anxious - Higher sensitivity level around negative messages from others. They strive for acceptance and validation from others. May blame self instead of parents for friction in childhood. Tends to puts the needs of others and of relationships over needs of self. May feel undeserving of love.
Dismissing/Avoidant - Can maintain high self-worth. They tend to deny the importance of relationships with others and the significance of their childhood relationship with parents. Current relationship with parents may be distant. Difficulty remembering experiences from childhood. Tend to be overly self-reliant/independent. Uncomfortable with vulnerability.
Unresolved - Likely to have experienced trauma in childhood. Loss can be a trigger. Rotate between feelings of longing and feelings of fear of relationships. May seek connection and then reject it. Harbors self-blame and shame. Disorganized recollections of childhood and discomfort when disclosing. Often in a state of fight or flight.
Earned Secure - They can and do share about experiences in childhood. Have worked to remember, understand, and integrate childhood experiences. Insightful and able to understand the intentions of others. Have gained acceptance and ability to trust.
Toward Secure Attachment
It is through attachment that we survive and thrive. Attachment provides us with safety, nurturing, and a blueprint for how we navigate our world successfully.
We did not choose our attachment style, you have come by it honestly, and as humans, we do what we know… what we have seen in others. We feel safe when there is familiarity. Although attachment styles are heritable and automatic by design, they are not our destiny. We can decide to reflect on and process our early life history and shift away from cycles of insecure attachment.
By showing up for your child, being emotionally available, and doing repair after ruptures, parents are molding a secure relationship that will serve as a model for your child’s future relationships and security throughout adulthood.